Hopes & Fears

Dear babyme,

You are now 25 weeks. That is 6 months and a week old. They said that if you’re to born now, insya Allah, with intensive care you will be able to become a healthy baby. Of course, if it is your time to see the world, who are we to stop Allah’s plans but we pray that you will stay inside me for at least another 12 weeks but 15 weeks will be much better.

Your father and I have been looking at things to buy for you and listing out what to buy. While preparation for your birth including labour scares me a bit but I think I am more scared of not being able to be a good mother. Worrying that I might drop you is one thing but worrying that I might not be able to give you the best life a child should ever have worries me more.

What if I accidentally screamed at you? Will you hate me for the rest of your life?

What if we send you to the wrong school? Will you be disadvantaged?

What if we spoil you too much? Will you turn into a brat?

What if we are strict with you? Will you turn into a rebel?

What if working takes up too much of our time? Will you love other people more than your parents?

What if? What if? What if?

‘Ya Allah, kami bersyukur engkau telah memurahkan rezeki kami dan memberi kami kandungan ini. Peliharakanlah kandungan ku ini, jauhilah kamu berdua daripada segala penyakit, semoga anak dalan kandungan ku ini akan menjadi anak yang soleh, anak yang sihat, anak yang beriman, anak yang bertakwa, anak yang patuh kepada arahan mu. Ya Allah, hanya kepada mu aku memohon.’

While my malay is not that great (ask your father. hehe.), I am sure, insya Allah, Allah knows what is deep in my heart. My prayers for you, my wishes, my hopes and most of all, my fears.
Lots of love and baby kisses.

p.s. it seems like you really enjoy your father putting you to sleep at night (by tapping and rubbing on my tummy before we go to sleep every night). you will kick and play with him for a bit before going all quiet until when the alarm goes off in the morning, where you will then start kicking me again. few nights ago, you were quiet all day until later in the evening. when it was time to go to sleep. when i asked your father to put you to sleep, he said to let you play first. he fell asleep not long after that and you only slept at 3am! I am going to make sure your father puts you to sleep everynight now. I read somewhere that we can start training your sleeping pattern even before you’re born. we’ll try and see if it really works. hehe. be good now. we love you!